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Ser Lev Arris, FEsq.

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the elite [13 Aug 2007|08:49pm]
It was hard for the woman out at sea. The ties binding the other ropes to hers had come undone sometime during the night. Neither her nor any of the others had experience with that sort of thing, and the woman wondered why the parties were not combined. Her boat was small, but one or two others could have fit. The past day had, in her mind, been nothing more than a series of terribly avoidable mistakes. Once the day had ended and a new one begun, further mistakes had lead to her intolerable solitude.
Oh, how it pained her. Why? Why had things gone this way? So much tragedy, so many lives lost, and now even hope for survival was fading from the mind of the woman.
Luckily, she had a plan. The plan was not her own, but was presented to her by an angel named Cetius who had visited her on the third night of her lonely voyage. The arrival of the angel was quite magnificent; bright lights shone from the sky as music filled the air, drowning out the sound of the ocean on the woman's craft. He told her to wait until the fourth day, when, near death, God would send her what she needed to be saved.
This encounter raised the woman's spirits slightly, and the following day she was more than content to let Lanteur, a foreigner who had appeared in her boat sometime after she woke up, rant on and on about how the governments of the world are being controlled by a single alien entity named Veiger that intends to enslave humanity. She happily let him talk until he got bored and went away again because, as boring as Lanteur was, she knew God was sending a miracle, and nothing could get her down.
Cetius was as good as his word. Hunched over, parched, burned, and near death, the woman noticed something in the boat that wasn't there before. She knew it was what God had promised to send her. It was thin, shiny, and silver. She was saved. The woman reached for it and rolled on to her back as she held it in the air above her. Driving it into her abdomen, she began to twist. She removed it, drug it from left to right, and after half an hour of deformation, she died. She died with a smile on her face, happy to know that there is justice in the world.
3 doss cunts|sod off!

f*@k you, lucy [08 Aug 2007|11:32am]
She said that she still wants a friendship; she cant live her life without me as a friend. I cant figure out why I'd give a damn to what she wants. I dont understand the now before the then. Thank you very much, fuck you very much.

Fuck you Lucy for leaving me. Fuck you Lucy for not needing me. I wanna say fuck you because i still love you. No, im not ok, and I dont know what to do.

Do I sound mad? Well, I guess im a little pissed. Every action has a point, five points make a fist.
You close them, you swing them. It hurts when it hits, and the truth can be a bitch, but if the boot fits...
I got an idea. You should get a tatoo that says "warning". Thats all, just a warning. So the potential victim can take a left and save breath...and avoid you. Sober and upset in the morning I wanna scream fuck you Lucy, but the problem is i love you Lucy.
sod off!

morning [01 Aug 2007|08:48am]
This morning hasn't turned out to be the pirate-shooting, dinosaur-fighting, vampire-filled thrill ride I was expecting. That is all.
1 doss cunt|sod off!

my saviour, unto thee [29 Jun 2007|11:23am]
All that stands between my mind and the release it seeks is my mind itself. I am the center of the magnet. I stand on the equator. I am told that is not the place to be. It is yet another struggle between north and south. This is a friendly reminder that there is an insatiable need to create hostility within each of us. Each of us, that is, except those who refuse to choose sides in an ill-conceived and meaningless conflict. Why all of this anger? Two parallel paths will never intersect, and therefore need never fear a dispute over territory. And yet, for reasons that are unclear, each path strays from its course to destroy the other. Unfortunately the place where they intersect and meet in battle is the same place I have chosen for myself. It is a place I thought would be forever free of conflict.

Am I not a liberal? Do I not support conservative views? Some things are not mutually exclusive. Life is no different. The king wisely chose to split the child in two, which worked only because any person split in two is no longer a person. It is death. The sword destined to divide me is made of ideas instead of steel, but is able to pierce me to the core nevertheless.

All men are not, in fact, created equal. While it is a pleasant notion, it does not withstand the tests of reality. As different as two people can be relative to one another, so dissimilar are the relationships I am trying to maintain. I stand on the equator. The north needs to meet the south where I am, for if one is lost I suspect I will find myself on a planet so broken that my will to survive would be so low as to be matched in scarcity only by my means of survival.

But, as has been said before, time heals all wounds. In the interest of avoiding future arguments, let us agree to proceed as though this were true. Is it not also true that a man, burned alive, but brought down from the stake before his death, will find a day when the pain has left him? His skin will heal and he will regain full use of his limbs. For the sake of the analogy, let us also say that the fire which surrounded him left no visible external damage. After the pain is gone, he will look and feel as he always has. Still, would he willingly throw himself into the fire? Of course the pain will part from his body in time, but would he not rather avoid the pain...unequivocally?

Yes, yes, I understand. We are blind to the tribulations of this man. When it comes to me, however, the history behind the pain is well-known to both hemispheres. Those few who reside either to my left or to my right realize that, unlike our burning man, my abstention can be explained in no way other than...cowardice. This may be true. Neither victory nor defeat can come to those who stand, like myself, immotile. But this brings us back to why I populate said equator. The reason is that I see no need for division. I see no need to align myself with one faction or another. As the north pole has its back turned to its southern counterpart, so too must these two elements learn to coexist; for between them lies a world of beauty and joy. Each may operate independently of the other but, when one departs, the other is fated to experience the burning sensation of deficiency. It is not out of cowardice that I remain so seemingly aphonic, but out of a desire to see unity.

Unity is not a luxury I have been afforded. Nor does it seem likely that I will see my world unified, temporarily, albeit. Still, I am not so willing to choose between funeral pyres before every last vestige of hope for unification has been destroyed. Those walls are indeed crumbling around me, but I remain motionless. Between one pyre and the next is a space through which I wish to walk, for that space is a path. The path stretches along the equator, where all is fair and blissful. This is where you will find me.
sod off!

hard as nails to the cuticles [27 Jun 2007|11:27am]
Do you ever hate everything?
Wish for an end?
Have you realized how hated you are, and that the hate is deserved?
Have you come to terms with your worthlessness?
Are you like me, looking for the 'restart' button on life?

Well, life has no reset button. That's why I choose Distraction®

Distraction® lets me escape from my problems, so I don't have to feel so much like the lump of shit that I am. If you or someone you know has ever felt like:

-cutting themselves

-endangering the lives of others through drunk driving and the use of imaginary firing ranges on the front lawn

-killing themselves

-using drugs to escape pain

Then let them know they're on the right path...the path to Distraction®. With a little help from Distraction® all your problems can go away; just like mine did.

So call now: 1-800-i-AM-SHIT for a free trial packet of Distraction®

Get ready for a better life, a life full of Distraction...
2 doss cunts|sod off!

oh yeah [05 Feb 2007|12:21pm]
toothpaste for dinner
2 doss cunts|sod off!

tis the season [21 Jan 2007|11:06am]
"Man, has it really been two years?"

I had a chance to sit down and talk with John Richardher of Huntley, Illinois
about his experiences as the town's only child therapist. The position no
longer exists, but it wasn't that long ago that worried parents, friends,
and family memebers of Huntley's youth flocked to Mr. Richardher by the dozens.

"For me, it was an honor. I knew that I had touched these children in a
way that would be with them for the rest of their lives. I consider it to
be my legacy; they'll be around a lot longer than I will!"

John Richardher, now 48 years old, has always felt a burning passion for
young children. He studied child development and developmental psychology
at the University of Westchester in Maine. After graduating, John opened
his own preschool for mute and deaf children.

"It was a quiet job, which I liked, and I got to use my hands a lot with
the kids. Most of them hadn't learned sign language yet, but I did what
I could to drive my point into them. They couldn't say much, but I think
I helped some of them to grow. I grew a little bit each day when I came
to work and saw a room full of young children waiting to be filled with whatever
I could give them."

It wasn't long after the school was closed by the state that John moved to

"I saw a need and I filled it. How could a town be without someone like
me to help children understand the harder parts of life?"

And he did. After 17 years, however, John's age and physical conditions
started getting the better of him.

"I just couldn't keep it up anymore. Kids have a lot of energy, a lot of
stamina, and I just felt like I couldn't perform like I used to."

And so, after years of service to the community and its children, we here
in Huntley tip our hats to a man who has loved our children, John Richardher.
3 doss cunts|sod off!

delta [12 Aug 2006|10:30am]
Once there was a very old man who lived alone in a somewhat remote area of
northern Nebraska. Near his house was a small lake where he liked to go
fishing early in the morning. He rarely caught anything but, having no job
or family to tend to, he found that the activity gave him something to do.
It gave him a reason to wake up in the morning.

On one particular morning, however, he woke up for another reason. The night
before had found him pacing up and down his small Persian rug as he thought
about the next day. He had decided that on this day he would not go fishing.
Indeed, on this day he would do something very different. It was time for
a change, he thought, and he didn't want to wait.

Getting into his truck, he reflected on how different it would feel to go left
at the end of the long dirt road instead of right toward the lake. Today
he was going into town to start a new chapter near the end of his life's
story. He would do it in town.

By the time he arrived in the heart of the small town the sun had definitively
risen and it was as alive as it was going to be for the rest of the day.
Men and women alike moved briskly up and down the worn sidewalks in front
of the stores, occasionally disappearing into one or the other to conduct

There were no children to be seen, as it was a school day, but the occasional
truant teenager slithered by with a vaguely paranoid expression. It didn't
bother the old man...he wasn't here to report wayward adolescents.

Even though his mind was clear on what he would do when he arrived, the old
man wasn't sure exactly where he was going. This lack of common clairvoyance
was not due to any form of senility, it just didn't matter to him where he
ended up. He did, however, know that the right spot would be obvious to
him when he saw it. And it was.

Just outside the town's historic courthouse was a smallish park with shrubs
and a fountain. After he had parked his truck he walked the perimeter of the
park just to check things out. It was very nice; the grounds were well maintained
and a few lackadaisical folks from nearby were strolling lazily along
the dirt pathways. This was the spot. He knew it.

Moving toward the center of the park, marked by the fountain, he noticed
the blue sky, the green trees, and the songs of birds. He could feel the fresh
mid-morning air filling his lungs and then escaping again. It really was beautiful.

Once he had arrived at the fountain he sat on a nearby bench and watched
it, listened to it, and let his thoughts become lost in the soft rippling
waves. He remained like this, trancelike, for some time before he realized
that he was alone. The park's visitors had left. His moment was drawing

Then it happened. From behind he began to hear voices growing louder and
louder as they approached him. He knew they could not see him, for the shrubs
had him covered from the rear. He knew they could not hear him, for he was
sitting still and silent. Finally the voices emerged from around the bush.
They were walking toward the fountain. The man spoke.

"Fine day."

The couple, a young man and a woman, were startled at first. Where had this
voice come from? Both were frightened until they noticed the old man sitting
on the bench. The kind old eyes of the man and the warm smile on his face promptly
put them at ease. They smiled in return and agreed that it was a very fine day,
after which they resumed their private conversation.

As they passed the fountain and continued to stroll along their path,
their backs now facing the old man, a bird called out sharply and a slight
breeze moved the leaves on the trees. The old man reached into his
pocket and moments later the birds took flight, the couple had fallen, and
all that could be heard was the bubbling of the fountain. The man reflected
on how delightful it was to be hunting instead of fishing.
7 doss cunts|sod off!

oh lord [05 Aug 2006|01:06pm]
[ mood | darkest days ]

do not tempt me
save me...but not now, oh lord
for i do not wish to be saved
not now
not yet
i wish to be tempted and to give in

that is because i am selfish, my lord
the greatest act of selfishness
calling to me
screaming to me
from the street below
and i can see me there, oh lord

do not stop me, oh lord!
if they are to be,
let these things come to pass.
servants must bemuse themselves
and i will not play for you, oh lord
if you keep me from my chosen path

but i...would i trade a death of hell?
for what? for peace right now?
i don't suppose that it would last, oh lord
but that's not up to me
just right now i think i'll hurt
and suffer for my sins, oh lord

sod off!

border [24 Jun 2006|10:13pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

And here I am again, making an update.

So, this night is probably going to be more boring than I had anticipated. I mean, if I'm going to be patient enough to sit down and make a post you know it's bad. That's mostly because our "high speed" internet is, albeit, faster than dial-up, but not nearly as fast as it should be. I'm not sure why it's so slow, but I'm also too lazy to look into it.

Perhaps I should just tell a story:

One day a young man was taking his dog for a walk when he happened to notice a family moving in just a few streets down from him. Well, to be fair, he was noticing the daughter more than anyone else. Ah yes, it was love at first sight. He knew it wasn't the right time to approach her, as she was too busy moving, but he noted which house it was and hoped he might see her outside one evening while walking his dog.

That night he sat at his computer and worked tirelessly to create a Flash animation of the two of them engaging in acts which brought them closer than the Good Book would customarily allow. Even as he fell asleep that night he could not get her image out of his mind.

The next day came and went and the young man decided to take the dog out a little later than usual, lest he happen upon the girl's house while she was eating dinner, which would rule out any chance of seeing her outside. He did not see the girl but what he saw was almost as good. The next day was the scheduled garbage collection day and there, in front of the house, was the family's (and the girl's) trash. His curiosity got the better of him and, seeing as how the sun had set, he knew his chances were good of rummaging through the garbage without being noticed. After sifting through meaningless mail and foodstuffs, he found something better than he could possibly have hoped for: a discarded bra. His excitement swelled within him as much as he swelled without.

It wasn't until he returned home from this venture that he realized the bra may not have belonged to the girl, but to her mother. Once safely in his room, he checked the size and gleefully decided that it was probably too small for a full-grown woman. The bra did, however, fit him quite comfortably.

Weeks passed and our young friend was consistently unable to see the girl while walking his dog. His occasional searches of her trash yielded nothing and eventually he gave up searching the bins altogether. He decided that he must become more proactive. He searched for something he could do to meet her aside from awkwardly knocking on the door and asking for "that girl that lives here"...because that would just be weird. He contemplated various scenarios and tactics until one day he came up with the perfect plan.

Every Friday and Saturday night he would wait in the bushes near the house across the street from hers and wait for her parents to leave. Then he could be sure that if he went to the door, she would be the one that would answer. He hadn't seen any siblings when the family was moving in, nor were there any additional cars, so he figured she was an only child.

After several weekends of lurking in the shrubs without any luck, the young man waited again one Saturday night. This time it would work, he just knew it. And it did. Just after 9pm the garage door of the girl's house opened and the boy saw the parents enter the car within and leave. Their dress was not casual, so he assumed they were going somewhere in particular and would not be back for a while. This was his chance. Screwing up his courage, he emerged from his bush and approached the girl's front door.

Oh, after so much waiting and hoping he didn't know if he could go through with it. Very nervously, and after much hesitation, his finger slowly found the doorbell. It seemed as though hours, nay, lifetimes had passed before a small click followed by a turning knob confirmed that the girl was home and answering the door. He knew this was the moment. As the door began to open he pulled out the steak knife he had 'borrowed' from his own kitchen and lunged forward, knocking open the door and sending the girl on the other side onto her back. Seizing his opportunity, he leapt upon her and swiftly brought the knife to her throat. With only the slightest twitch of his blade he ended her.

As he walked home nearly an hour later he wished he had remembered to bring his cellular phone. He wanted it not only for the pictures he could have taken, but also because he couldn't wait to brag to his friends about how he had lost his virginity to a hot girl that lived only a few streets from him. And yes, the bra was hers. Ah, young love <3 <3 <3 THE END

12 doss cunts|sod off!

"I thank your dad for the damaged goods" [22 Jun 2006|08:26am]
[ mood | drunk ]

Been a while since I updated. That's most because of one Angela Kroll, who has threatened numerous times to send employees home if found cruising the internet. Many of the memos we've gotten from her here at work have been slightly threatening, so now I'm scared to do most of the things I like to do online (LJ, threadless, toothpaste, etc...).

Today, however, I'm just really jumpy and minimizing the screen any time I hear someone coming.

Oh, and my other reason for not posting is that there is nothing to post. Lately I've pretty much just been eating, sleeping, going to work, and playing Morrowind. That's about it.


That's about it. I mean, I'm still surprised that BHG keeps delivering...thanks mike.

3 doss cunts|sod off!

CLAP YOUR HANDS [24 May 2006|07:36am]
[ mood | what do you think? ]

...are you up to something?

Well, I'm here at work yet another day. There ARE things I could be doing, but I just don't really feel like it at the moment. As one of you may know, I am car-less on this particular work day. This turned out to be a good thing, because it meant my dad had to drive me in this morning. This was good because I overslept and my alarms were having problems...I would have slept through the start of my shift if my dad hadn't come in to wake me up so he could take me.

And yes, and yes, these things are all true. At one time or another the fabric in which we all find oursleves will begin to unweave itself until it falls, as a single strand, from the space above us with neither remorse nor pain. Falling, falling, falling. Then, and only then, when the hearts of men and the butts of sheep become one under the unifying protection of the great star-lamp, may we hope to see progression toward that which has been, as previously stated, our goal. Nothing, not one thing, may deter us from our mission, which is just, save the very wrath of an almighty and vengeful god who forgot to to take his nap today. Oh lord, you are a cranky God. Have mercy on we who sleep and toil. May your naps be long and undisturbed. Amen.

5 doss cunts|sod off!

[22 May 2006|08:56am]
[ mood | drunk ]

Philosophical examination of sexuality in human life. Historical and critical survey of philosophical and theological views. Comparison and evaluation of contemporary theories about the nature of sexual desire and sexual acts. Implications of theories for contemporary moral problems

MCCCD Official Course Competencies:
1. Identify and evaluate key philosophers and theologians who have treated the subject of sexuality, and describe their views. (I)

2. Contrast and criticize reductionist and expansionist theories related to sexuality. (II)

3. Apply principles of philosophy and ethics to contemporary questions and issues related to human sexuality. (III)

So now I know what to expect. And so do you.

5 doss cunts|sod off!

[18 May 2006|07:38am]
[ mood | drunk ]

It has been a while since I've posted anything. This post is designed so that people can leave comments about...anything. It's not an actual post, but it still has a purpose (which may only be known to me). Cheers.

10 doss cunts|sod off!

[14 Apr 2006|02:38pm]
Ok, see if you can get it without reading the comments!


3 doss cunts|sod off!

[12 Apr 2006|10:45am]
[ mood | drunk ]

Ok I need to get a few things out of the way.

First off, my journal is uncharacteristically blank. I don't know why, but the Trainspotting image I labored to create is not there. It will be back up as soon as I get bode to do it for me.

Also, there is a subject that is very near and dear to my heart about which I have not yet posted. It should be noted, however, that even though I may not have mentioned this to anyone ever, it is something about which I feel very strongly. Here goes...

Cheetahs need space. In their natural habitat a male cheetah may claim for himself between 1.5 and 2.0 billion acres of land. Those of us with cheetahs in our homes know just how bad cabin fever can be when it afflicts our beloved feline pet(s). The fact of the matter is that most urban/suburban homes do not meet the noble cheetah's "space needs" (hereafter known as "Star Trek"). Whether or not a cheetah's Star Trek is met can make the difference between a loveble, cuddly, over-sized kitty and a vicious monster who is just as likely to eat your children and gnaw on your insides as your average Reaver.

Therefore, I recommend purchasing a cheetah ranch. A cheetah ranch can be any ranch, preferably next to a sheep farm (just for kicks, and it cuts down on feeding expenses), as long as the cheetah's Star Trek is met.

At this point I need to clear up a common misconception; you may call your ranch a "cheetah ranch" (hereafter known as "Frog Greens") as long as you have at least one cheetah. Some people say "That's not a Frog Greens, you only have one cheetah!" but they are wrong. Your Frog Greens is a Frog Greens no matter how many cheetahs you have. That is all.

Just remember, your Frog Greens must be large enough to satisfy your cheetah's Star Trek or your cheetah will be one unhappy feline...and nobody wants one of those on their hands.

14 doss cunts|sod off!

[05 Apr 2006|10:56am]
simply_amelie has an amazing icon
...and also doesn't know i'm making this post
1 doss cunt|sod off!

[03 Apr 2006|12:14pm]
I got two new icons. Well, you should probably be able to tell that I got at least one new one. Anyway, they're both thanks to bode so yeah. They are really cool. Unfortunately, I wasn't paying atttention when I made the firefly post, so all the browncoats think I'm an idiot because of the weird-ass entry I made. But oh well, I'm an idiot with two new custom icons. Thanks sweetie!
3 doss cunts|sod off!

[29 Mar 2006|10:37am]
[ mood | drunk ]


I don't know how to do that fancy thing where it's just a link to a community instead of the URL. Maybe it will convert it for me when I post. Anyway, this one's for you, Katie, because I know you like Wash. I'm at work or else I would make a proper entry. Chow 4 now playa sk8r dawg g homes (holmes?) diggity snoop fizzy my nizzy fo' dizzy. Word.

LJ user tikvah (again, I don't know how to link that) had this posted on their site but I thought I would just spread it around. They listed it under the heading "hurry before they remove it" or something like that. They will remove it soon...so watch it soon. You'll see what I mean.

4 doss cunts|sod off!

weakness of will [12 Feb 2006|10:55pm]
[ mood | flirty ]

weary weary restless dreamer
eating paper rice and streamers
breathe the vial til it's gone
breathe it when it gets too long

destruction comes from sitting still
you'll fail despite your mighty will
fifteen inches, 15 roads
none will show you how it goes

you will die trying, it is so
ignore it all, give it a go
failure failure dead and gone
breathe it when it gets too long

evade the black with all you have
rock it hard with rocking laugh
they won't know, for they're outside
if you get fucked, then you can hide

fearing light is fearing death
but at least you'll get some rest
the pain that kills can be replaced
horrors you can leave un-faced

that's the goal, it's all you need
run along; it's time to feed
eat and drink, forget your woes
express it all by use of prose

4 doss cunts|sod off!

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